5.31.2002


What Trigun relationship are you?



I guess two hot guys make one really ugly girl.

5.30.2002

I republished the archives.. go read stuff I wrote at the beginning of the month. Recently, I've only done rants and I don't really enjoy ranting much. My earlier entries are fun(ni)-er. I just started this weblog on the fifth of this month and feels like I've been writing in it forever.

Five garden snakes in one week! It's not right, here in Massachusetts. They're harmless, yes, but my mother is paralyzed with fear. She's using my brother as an excuse that they're dangerous -- my brother has autism; it's a strange way to take advantage of the illness... And you know, I kind of sympathize with those snakes. I saw one today caught in the little sticky-fly-paper. Poor thing, it just lied there, breathing. Of course, immediately after my mother screamed, my father went out and wacked it with a shovel. And for some odd reason, I'm beginning to think it's the same snake. Just like Mr. Samsa from Nny.

And haha, I love this site. It was fun when P.A.C.M.A.N. was still around. We asked it questions together. But PACMAN is dead. I'm sad.

AIM conversation time:
Ninja Hyena: I know what you did last summer...
UrsusTheHorrible: [insert witty response]
Ninja Hyena: [veiled or direct insult]
UrsusTheHorrible: [laughter]
Ninja Hyena: (camera pans around Tom and Toon to reveal that they are just flat, standing cardboard statues)
Ninja Hyena: (blackout -- camera pans down on to the real Tom and Toon together on some island, far away..)
UrsusTheHorrible: ...
Well, it's an obligation thing. You know?
You know what's crazy? Put the name of your town or city into google with the word "weblog" or "blogger" and you'll get a bunch of weblogs by people in your area. Pretty cool, huh?!

I have no intention of meeting those horrid people.
Ha! I won "I Feel Sick" comics, one and two! And soon, Spooky will greet me! And I shall be content, sitting upon my roof, reading about death and violence! And squeaking Spooky, oh god, don't forget that! Oh, squeak!


My mind constantly betrays me. How annoying.. I went ahead and edited my little angst thing against internet elitists, just a little bit. I was angry, okay? I have a right, seeing as my head is a constant flux -- it's on a non-stop rollercoaster to Las Vegas. Home of the free, the brave, and the gambling-obsessed determinists.

I'm working on my mock trial for school now. I really wanna win. I also want to win my bids. Yes.

5.29.2002

OhmygodWATCHOUT! Here comes another rant.... ! AUUGGH!

No, it's not unoriginal to dislike pop icons/pop culture. It's common sense. They are role models for millions of misguided people. The majority likes them, it is only a minority that dislikes them. So how can it be "unoriginal teenage angst" if it is, in fact, unoriginal to like them in the first place? Where is the originality in anything anymore? Long gone.

When I was younger, I forced myself to like the pop culture. I never really felt myself obsessing over pop things, like the biggest boy band, hot guys, styles, or divas.. but I felt like I should. I felt like if I did not like those things, it was wrong; I was commiting some sort of moral crime. It was a psychological thing that I had -- that I now try to shake off. I'm getting better at choosing what to like and what not to based on my own personal taste -- not society's. And guess what? I don't like boybands --

Their lyrics are overused -- unoriginal. We've heard them before in previous songs, in movies, in books, in whatever, all before. I suppose society likes to hear the same things over and over -- especially when coming from young, hip, good-looking people. It doesn't matter what beautiful people say or do -- they're beautiful and that's all that counts. The music is just an addition to their looks -- it magnifies their beauty in such a positive way. They are advertised everywhere, too, so how does the normal mind resist such an influence? Well, I guess I don't have a normal mind. Or I'm just really dense.

I have another psychological problem -- when I like something that isn't very popular but suddenly goes 'boom' and everyone likes it, I start to dislike it. Want to know why? I felt that that thing I liked, whatever it was, represented myself as an indivisual. If everyone suddenly liked the thing I liked, then that thing would lose its appeal to me because it is no longer unique. It has lost the special qualities that made it different from mainstream, that made it appealing. If everyone else started to like everything I liked, then, you know, I'm going to lose some of my indivisualism. And it isn't a happy feeling. I've told people this concept before and they didn't seem understand. I don't understand why people don't understand.

For example, I was a Harry Potter freak. Bigger than normal freaks; my door was covered in Harry Potter newspaper articles, I only drew Harry Potter, I only thought about Harry Potter, I'd discuss only Harry Potter, I only acted how I'd think Harry Potter would act, I would only write Harry Potter... and the list goes on. I called myself the biggest fan -- fuck yeah, I was the biggest fan. And J.K. Rowling her DAMN SELF knows who I am.. it's a long story, but I managed to meet her and shake her hand--

Long story made short: I was twelve years old -- AND OF ALL THE GODDAMMED LUCK I'VE EVER HAD: A book signing by JK Rowling in my hometown -- I could have practically walked to the bookstore. It was the first destination in America for her book tour (to give you an idea of where I live). I made a little sign around my neck, in the shape of a lightning bolt, that read "BIGGEST HARRY POTTER FAN EVER!" with an arrow pointing up, to my head. I was with a friend, but she didn't wanna wear one. She was too embarrassed, she said. I told her, "You'll regret it!" Boy, did she ever.

We arrived at the bookstore straight after school -- and just in time before they cut off the lines. As we approached the book-signing-area, Ms. Rowling looked up and saw my little sign. "So, you're the biggest fan?" Silence. "Yes." Nod. "Well, nice to see you! I've been waiting to meet you!" Hand shake. Signs book. I say, "Thank you." She says, "No, thank you." Reporter pulls me over to write an article that never gets into the newspaper.

--- End of short story that was made long.

Anyway, Harry Potter became HUGE after my little meeting with Ms. Rowling. It was unbearable.. and it was beginning to get draggy. Ugh. What's the use in liking it anymore? I already met the author, time to move on to new things. It no longer defined me as a person; it defined a whole culture of people. I didn't -- and never -- want to be part of some sort of mainstream culture or stereotype -- EVER. So, I just started.. disliking it. Hey, don't blame me. Blame my brain. My brain feels no pain. (ha, rhyme!)

As for the Star Wars-N'Sync clash -- GENERALLY SPEAKING: Star Wars: mainly geeks, smart people, outsiders -- N'Sync: mainly teenyboppers, blondes, hormone-crazy stupid girls that only like them 'cause they're cute, people who pretend to like them for the music (which sucks). George Lucas was planning on putting a cameo of N'sync into the Episode II movie because his daughter loved them (from what I've heard.) It never worked out -- those things are complete opposites. It will never work.

First of all, jeez, what a spoiled little fucking brat! Your daughter is stupid, Mr. Lucas. Just like I was. I was stupid; I liked things back then that I now detest with a disgusted passion. I liked ponies and pink and everything all the other girls liked because I couldn't think for myself yet -- in fact, it was uncool to think for myself. So I didn't. Of course she's going to like N'Sync! ALL my little cousins do -- and their leagues of friends too! They LOVE Britney Spears and ANYTHING pop! No matter how I try to convince them of my hatred for that sort of thing ... they deny it all! It's a natural thing to like pop when you're young -- because you don't know what else there is in the world to like. They're too dumb to know that there's more things than--- oh, shoot, his youngest daughter is fourteen years old!? Okay, no comment, someone push her out of her little perfect world and give her a taste of reality. Jesus!

Second, geeks vs. teenyboppers. Ehm.. do I have to explain it? You do realize the utter hatred between these two?! DO YOU REALIZE?! Geeks have their claim to Star Wars.. it is theirs, do not try to take it away by peppering it with pop culture. The reason geeks love it is because it is pop culture-FREE! It is the epitome of all things geeky and un-teeny-bopper -- at least media-wise. If you do this to the geeks, they will hate you. They will wonder what you're trying to pull off-- no, don't push your culture on us. We already hate it enough -- seeing as you boppers/jocks/blondes/sluts SHUNNED us in highschool, you made fun of us, and made us feel horrible. Pop is ovbiously the dominant subculture -- it even says it in the name, see -- "popular," and we HATE 'EM.

And even if it is a split-second, it IS going to ruin the movie -- it's the idea that these icons are in the movie, not the little clip of film that shows them.

Once, at lunch, the girl asked me. "So, you like Josh Hartnett, right?" "Not.. obsessively." (lie, I hate him) Silence. "Oh, that's okay, we'll let that pass." She was serious, sigh. You know, it only adds to the hatred when people do that to you?

Oh, hah, I started speaking as though I was a geek too. Hahaa. I'm not even good enough for that.

Okay, I was probably speaking to myself in this rant. Oh well -- it was inspired by a thread.
I've added an 'about' section. Go look, go on.

Another thing to add to my rant about originality in art. When I say "meaning," I don't necessarily mean an actual message that can be translated into words. I mean.. an emotion, an expression, a passion, or just any sort of feeling. Things that are NOT original art IN MY OPINION include: copying others' artwork and thinking you're a genius, drawing the same thing over and over and over again and thinking you're a genius, drawing something that's been drawn a million times (I think we've all seen the fairy in a bottle a few times..).

I've had an experience with this sort of thing -- people liked the other girl because she could copy pictures. She copied pictures a lot, too. And, she was really stupid. Her philosophy: I don't care about school -- I'm going to be an artist when I grow up and school won't matter so I'm just gunna let myself be stupid. I once asked my mother when I was around ten or eleven years old about the situation. "Mom, say there are two people who can draw really well. One of them is really smart, but one of them is pretty stupid. Who is going to succeed more?" She said, "It depends, the stupid girl could draw better.. " -- It pissed me off. My mother isn't very wise.

Anyway, that girl also has a lot of friends. She was extremely popular, thus, her artwork easily credited and appreciated more often. One problem; she only copied things. That pissed me off. I'd show people pictures I drew that came out of my mind .. it's like they didn't care. If it wasn't their favorite cartoon character exactly like the picture on the cover, then it wasn't right.

And yadda, yad. Yadda.
I hope I win my bids.
I've been on an eBay binge now. I won a Spooky Squeaky-doll and I bid on the "I feel sick" comic by Jhonen Vasquez. Someone stop me.

5.28.2002

This is a really long rant about myself, concerning the internet. No one is going to read this, I say to myself, 'cause no one visits this, I say, and I says, I'm the one who keeps reloading the page to give myself hits.

NOTE: I wrote this in a fit of personal anger. A lot of things said here are untrue because of my madness, but I do manage to make some good points. I'm too lazy to edit all the things I said that were wrong, but I will say that not all the websites that I talk about are owned by snobs. In fact, a good majority of them are not. I've just had bad experiences. If anyone takes offense, just remember; I'm a mad, mad little girl and nothing I say matters to you.

< --- BEGIN RANT THING --- >
I suppose I am quite a dislikable person, with a dislikable weblog and a dislikable attitude toward anyone. I didn't even create my own design; my excuse being that I do not want to please my readers' eyesight or something like that. I suppose any elitist would turn their head down on me, would look down on me. Nothing is linking this website, I'm glad. If you see this, then jeez, how the hell did you find it?

I'd hoped I'd be famous one day, with fans and admirerers.. which I've always come so close to, but something always ruins it. Something always ruins it.

I was once hosted on geocities with a nice site that got a satisfactory amount of hits, linked from a few big places. Something went wrong and I had to move.. and I got an offer from a friend for a .nu site.

Well, I think I became an elitist for a bit, but only hosting/webdesign-wise. I felt pressured, though not directly, to make my design style like everyone else's. I tried to keep original. It lasted for a few months, but I never liked the sort of pressure I felt. Eventually, I stopped updating for maybe a month or so. The host decided I wasn't updating enough and she needed "more space." So I killed my site with a kind little, "sure, sure, no problem, no hard feelings, nope, not gunna stalk you down.."

I had joined so many "cliques" too, in the process of making my little mini-elitist website. I hadn't yet known what a "clique" was, being my stupid little naive self. In my English class, there was a discussion of social groups.. someone called them "cliques." I never thought about it before.. and I almost wretched -- had I become an internet snob, disgracing those who couldn't be as fortunate as I was to get hosted on such a popular site? Was I becoming a stuck-up little internet bitch? Oh, dear god, no! It's almost the same thing as high school!

I realized all the little trends that go with the sites -- similar designs, similar content.. I mean. I'm never going to be able to own a domain with a lot of space or create beautiful designs with my crappy programs -- gah, they must be so rich and happy. Okay, I exaggerate the rich part. But I mean, I only have photoshop LIMITED edition, I draw/color with a MOUSE, I use AOL (parents won't convert -- say it has a nice long distance plan) I don't have a DVD player, I don't have cable, I don't have a house, the computer has zero space left, and I can't buy any of those fancy schmancy computer/web-design accessories because they cost too much. I'M POOR, OKAY?!

I am just a geek in the spectrum of internet society, those at the top with the million-hits-a-day sites and the yadda yadda. The little artist-man, me, striving to become big.

I wish I was special, just like everyone else. Just leave me be, but leave room for my dreams.

< ---- END RANT THING ---- >

Man, I haven't played EverQuest in like, a month. Maybe I should catch up.

5.27.2002

Okay, got over the temporarily heightened parental-hatred. Don't think they're going to be over it any time soon, though.

About the three-day kidnapping. My third cousin's birthday party was Saturday, she was turning seven and she thinks I'm her first cousin. On friday, my mother dropped me over my uncle's house because my grandmother was there with this other little annoyance; some four year old cousin named Katie. They both came up from Florida to Massachusetts for the "birthday party."

And I wonder, what kind of seven-year-old birthday party has alcohol? Well, the one I went to did. In fact, there was a table just full of yummy alcohol-ish treats, mixed in with a few soda bottles and fruit juice. I swear, as I walked to the bartender (he was some family friend who mixed the drinks) I was going to say, "Yeah, I'll have a tequila and some chardonnay for the birthday girl." I didn't, 'cause I'm too shy.

And I wonder, how did they find such a horrible a magician? He sucked. I was among the few "older kids" of the crowd, including some parents, so I stood out. I was also wearing my "ROCK MUSIC" t-shirt, which added to my unique-sticking-outty-ness. Most of the time, the magician picked volunteers that raised their hands. At one, and only one time, he decided he'd choose anyone he wanted to. He even said, "Now, I'm gunna choose some one who might not want to participate.." .. and ha. He chose me. I followed his directions exactly, but I managed to mess him up anyway. " .. uhm, maybe I should have emphasized reading the.. other side of the paper.." It was fun.

And I wonder, where the hell did they find that moonwalk? There was a relatively large air-filled bouncy-house moonwalk in the shape of a dragon out in the backyard. When I arrived, the little kids were hoppin' all over it. The adults decided to give me position as "supervisor" of the moonwalk for a bit. It collapsed twice under my supervision. Once, some kids were inside when it fell and got trapped. They thought they were going to die.. and were traumatized for life. It was sweet.

--OH SWEET JESUS, POWERPUFF GIRLS ON REGULAR TELEVISION?! *whoooosh!*
I'm rude to my parents, it's true. It's only natural when you're a misanthropic teenager. They're pretty moronic, though. I constantly call my mother a cynical [bleep: mean lady]; she doesn't even know what cynicism is! They were screaming like primates over a snake in the front yard.

The landlord had set up a trap to get the snake that was crawling around the outside of the duplex apartment. I live in Massachusetts; snakes aren't too popular, but we live practically on top of a swamp, so who knows what kind of creatures dwell near? My mother has the worst phobia of snakes too, considering shew grew up in the tropical islands of Trinidad and Tobago.

Today, they found the snake trapped in the sticky-fly-paper. My mother was screaming, frantically. "KILL IT! IT'S MOVING! KILL IT, QUICK!" My father attacked with a shovel, of all things. It's just so easy to imagine them both as big stupid apes, just running around the snake as though it were the monolith from 2001: Space Odyssey. They were just HITTING it. Just JUMPING around like savages. I was looking for a giant box, but by the time I found one, they had killed the poor snake.

The snake was a garden snake, by the way. It's the ONLY kind that you'll see a lot of in Massachusetts. Harmless as FUCK.. given the situation that the fuck entity is harmless. Extremely harmless.

IRC time:
+14:19:13+ (Spooky) Stop making me talk to myself.
+14:19:17+ (Spooky) The voices.
+14:19:23+ (Spooky) The voices tell me I'm crazy.
I was kidnapped for three days by my horrible, horrible family.

I think my mom just dumped me on them friday and hoped I'd stay there for the entire three-day weekend, when I had the most lovely plans to sit at home and be the internet junky that I am.

I brought my GIR doll, my JTHM comic, and a CD player to keep myself entertained. It worked until the cd player's batteries ran out. I rarely read JTHM for fear of someone catching me and asking to see what it was. And my little cousins kept foolin' around with GIR so I put him away. Damn kids.

However, considering I do not have cable at my house, being able to stay at my aunt's house a town away allowed me to watch my favorite, always-missed...

I'll talk about this later. Right now, I'm EXTREMELY pissed off at the PRIMITIVE actions of my STUPID parents.
ARGH!